I love food, have done for a good few years now. When I was little I refused to eat any vegetables apart from sweetcorn and carrots so I’ve been teaching myself to like food since I started at university. I still have a few big things that I avoid – mushrooms and parsnips being the main ones! Mostly now I’m pretty good with food and I love to cook.
The sad thing is, is that I’ve got a really bad relationship with food. Often I can’t tell the difference between feeling hungry and feeling sick. I’ve been on and off diets since I was in my early-ish teens, and I’ve gone through cycles of being able to deal with eating properly, to feeling guilty and counting every single calorie and skipping meals when possible. I eat a lot when I’m alone – I snack and graze on stuff, and I know that’s not good either.
I’m grateful for Hairy when it comes to this because he doesn’t care about diets! He checks on me when I’m having a bad patch, cooks amazing food and is understanding when I need to be in control of food portion sizes. I was fat a few years back; it went on so quietly that I didn’t really realise it until I came back from university and found that I’d put on a stone in a month or two. Since then I’ve lost a lot of weight but I still get paranoid about my weight – I can’t have scales in the house because I’d be hopping on them every hour or so and that’s not healthy!
I’m learning, slowly but surely, not to hate my body and the way I look; not to binge on junk food because I’m sad, stressed or bored; vegetables are wonderful; baking doesn’t have to happen daily and that being healthy is important but being thin is not. I’m learning to deal with body dysmorphia – I see my self completely differently to the way I know it is. I don’t really know what I look like, if that makes any sense. I have a lot of behaviours that aren’t healthy but I’m getting there. It upsets both Hairy and me when I have a bad day because I’m doing so well otherwise and it frustrates him that I can’t see what he sees.
Food is a big part of my life, I love to cook and bake and make people happy because what they’re eating tastes good. It’s time I can relax in, and time that I can spend with Hairy because he loves to eat the food I cook! I don’t ever want to get fat again because it made me miserable and to be honest; I don’t have enough money for another wardrobe of clothes! My goal is to be happy and get a good relationship with food for what might be the first time in my life.