Runes and Rhinestones

I'm a modern day Viking, navigating my way through a stormy sea of stuff.

Food, glorious food.

on October 29, 2012

I love food, have done for a good few years now. When I was little I refused to eat any vegetables apart from sweetcorn and carrots so I’ve been teaching myself to like food since I started at university. I still have a few big things that I avoid – mushrooms and parsnips being the main ones! Mostly now I’m pretty good with food and I love to cook.

The sad thing is, is that I’ve got a really bad relationship with food. Often I can’t tell the difference between feeling hungry and feeling sick. I’ve been on and off diets since I was in my early-ish teens, and I’ve gone through cycles of being able to deal with eating properly, to feeling guilty and counting every single calorie and skipping meals when possible. I eat a lot when I’m alone – I snack and graze on stuff, and I know that’s not good either.

I’m grateful for Hairy when it comes to this because he doesn’t care about diets! He checks on me when I’m having a bad patch, cooks amazing food and is understanding when I need to be in control of food portion sizes. I was fat a few years back; it went on so quietly that I didn’t really realise it until I came back from university and found that I’d put on a stone in a month or two. Since then I’ve lost a lot of weight but I still get paranoid about my weight – I can’t have scales in the house because I’d be hopping on them every hour or so and that’s not healthy!

I’m learning, slowly but surely, not to hate my body and the way I look; not to binge on junk food because I’m sad, stressed or bored; vegetables are wonderful; baking doesn’t have to happen daily and that being healthy is important but being thin is not. I’m learning to deal with body dysmorphia – I see my self completely differently to the way I know it is. I don’t really know what I look like, if that makes any sense. I have a lot of behaviours that aren’t healthy but I’m getting there. It upsets both Hairy and me when I have a bad day because I’m doing so well otherwise and it frustrates him that I can’t see what he sees. 

Food is a big part of my life, I love to cook and bake and make people happy because what they’re eating tastes good. It’s time I can relax in, and time that I can spend with Hairy because he loves to eat the food I cook! I don’t ever want to get fat again because it made me miserable and to be honest; I don’t have enough money for another wardrobe of clothes! My goal is to be happy and get a good relationship with food for what might be the first time in my life.

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12 responses to “Food, glorious food.

  1. marlenegalea says:

    Personally, I don’t know which messes me up most the grazing or the after-meals binging…but I do understand what you’re on about I think

  2. Thank you for sharing this; I really identified with what you say about body image and body dysmorphia. I stopped being able to see myself a long time ago. I genuinely have no idea what I look like to other people but, like you, I have a good man who is puzzled regularly by my inability to see what he sees and I’m trying to just go with his opinion! I hope your quest to be happy and establish a positive relationship with food is successful 🙂

    • The body image is actually the hardest part I’ve found, because it’s always a bit of a shock to look in the mirror and actually see my face 🙂 I’m glad that you have a good man too, Hairy’s pretty indispensable and I rely on him so much. He told me the other day that when I’m at my worst, that’s when I have to believe him the most.

      Thank you. It’s upsetting that something I love so much is so hard for me to deal with, but that makes it all more worthwhile!

  3. Such a great post! I completely relate to everything you’ve said. For many years I struggled with weight and body image. It’s something I’m still very aware of but I try to remind myself that I’m happy and healthy and loved just as I am. You are lucky to have Hairy. He sounds like a great guy. For what it’s worth (and I know what it’s like to not believe what others say), I will agree with him, I think you look fantastic!

    • Thanks 🙂 I think once you’ve struggled with it, it’s very hard not to be aware of it even when you don’t want to be! Thank you, Hairy is an amazing guy and I wouldn’t be half as good as I am now if he wasn’t here to support me. And thanks for the compliment, it’s hard to accept but I’ll remember it and try anyway!

  4. I really identify with the first part of your post. I used to be a VERY picky eater as a kid, and still am, in a way, though I’ve learned to eat a bit more things than I used to. But my problem is the opposite, I eat too little. They say half the world eats when they’re stressed, and half of it starves. I belong to the second group. I can’t make myself eat when I’m felling any emotion above base level. Which sucks, because I’m rarely ever at base level.

    My favourite sentence in your post: “being healthy is important but being thin is not.” I think once you can get to the point of understanding this, then it should be easier to go the rest of the way. But it IS a struggle, even to be on my side of things.

    • Yep, being picky is such a pain so I decided to teach myself to like other foods – I’m conquering sea food at the moment. It’s equally as hard not to be able to eat, I went through a long time of that about a year or two ago. I’ve swung back the other way now I’m in my own home and I feel comfortable getting food to eat.

      Thanks for picking that sentence out, it’s something I’m working at applying to myself! I wish you all the best in dealing with your food related struggles 🙂

  5. missclamshell says:

    Thanks for sharing — and I’m glad you have a fun time cooking! Hairy sounds very sweet and supportive. That’s great to have. Best of luck on continuing and developing your healthy relationship with food!

    • I’m glad I shared because the response from you guys has been so lovely. Hairy will blush, but he’s the best part of my life. Thank you for your kind words, it’s easier when I’ve got people supporting me 🙂

  6. Kate says:

    I honestly think the majority of people have a weird relationship with food in some way. As always, I blame the media. I definitely get the FEELING it’s their fault. So I’ll go with it.

    • I’d agree with you there! It’s normally the media’s fault, and I really think it is in this case because we’re constantly imprinted with images of hyper-unrealistic beauty and healthiness that people just can’t live up to. So everyone ends up unhappy in the end. But hey, I’m aware of it and I’m getting better although my stomach is totally growling right now!

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