I had a post written, I posted it and the words all disappeared. Ironic really as it was the last one – there are too many unwritten words.
I’m most of the way through the first draft of the dissertation and I’ve hit the academic wall. I can’t remember what I’m writing, what I’ve written and what I meant to write next. It’s horrific to try to get over because I feel like I need to keep working but nothing’s coming out. It’s frustrating and upsetting because sometimes the words flow without a problem onto the page and the essay writes itself. At the moment I feel like I’m fighting with my brain because it knows the topic and I know what I want to write but I’m finding it so hard.
I know I should go and do some shopping, or have a think about what we’re having for dinner because there’s a 90s rock night tonight that Hairy wants to go to because his brother and a couple of our friends will be there, but I’m stuck here tussling with a bear of a dissertation that won’t give up! Sometimes I’ll sit here for ten minutes desperately trying to think of the right word that fits into the shape of the sentence and says what I want it to, without all the wrong connotations. That’s partly why I’m here – at least the words I write here won’t determine the rest of my life.
I could technically leave sending the draft off until Monday, but I don’t want to do that. It’s this annoying sense of conscience that I’ve developed, plus it wouldn’t be fair on my tutor. She wouldn’t have time to read it properly before our meeting on Wednesday, and she has already helped me so much that I find myself trying even harder to make her pleased with my result.
Good news from yesterday though! Hairy’s company is struggling in the economic climate, and his job was put at risk on Monday. He found out yesterday that he’s still got hit job, although he feels very guilty that he’s still there when so many others there – his friends now, have lost their jobs. One good thing to come out of this, sad though it is, is that he no longer feels like he owes the company any loyalty and he’s going to be looking for a new job soon. Also it means that he’s more than happy to come travelling me in a year’s time or so! He’s never said he doesn’t want to do it, but he’s always been very pragmatic about money and time, so it’s amazing that my Hairy wants to come experience the world with me.
I’m back off to wrestle with some more words. Maybe they’ll be nice to me this time around.