I’m considering giving up this blog. It would make me sad to, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it any more. I mean, I don’t really get that many people coming to check it out so it’s not like I’ve got a massive fan base that I’ll be disappointing. I don’t write about ground breaking or interesting things, just little bits from my rather mundane existence. It’s not a repository for my hopes and dreams in the way it kind of was in the beginning, and it feels stilted to me now. It doesn’t feel like me as much.
So, it’s not you. It’s me. I feel too boring to carry on with this. The highlight of my day yesterday was eating fishy sushi for the first time and buying a pair of shoes that say “BANG!” on the side. Yay woot. I also sat in a cemetery and saw an old man either having some alone time or peeing. Not quite sure which, I didn’t dare look that closely. For the past two weeks I’ve spent most of the day in the flat, sat reading things online and that’s not interesting. I think the key would be to keep making everyday life interesting, but I’m not that good at it.
I’m also not good at angry. I have a secondary voice in my head that censors most things that I say and everything that I write. I can’t complain on here unless it’s a safe topic to complain about, like the weather. Or annoying people who live in the flat above me because none of you know who that is. I find it hard to rant about people I know just in case they find this blog and read about it then hate me; it’s not that I want to it’s just that I can’t and as soon as I think I can’t, then it’s all I want to do.
Yesterday one of our friends came around for the evening (didn’t drink or have dinner – on a diet/detox), and she kind of made me feel like some of my hobbies/interests are interesting and cool. In my head it’s really not, I mean it’s just beadwork and making stuff. She told me I should sell my stuff. I remember that I had planned to do that when I came to uni, but never got around to it. I finished a bracelet, but it’s too big for anyone’s wrists because either my hands were significantly fatter when I started it or I just got too carried away. I don’t know why this is relevant. Probably it’s the validation she gave me that I’m not a total loser who should go hide in a hole.
I don’t know. I’m scared shitless about my future, but I don’t like saying that because I don’t think anyone really wants to read about it. It’s not like it’s news that a student about to graduate is bricking it.
I’m fine, I don’t need to be checked up on. I just needed to say something. It’s mid holiday blues I guess, plus the whole graduating soon thing. I’m frustrated that I don’t have many good friends. I can meet people and get on with them fine, but it’s been a while since I was properly happy with them – a lot of the time I make excuses not to see them because to be honest, it’s a chore. I don’t like feeling tired after going for coffee with someone. I want to come away feeling good about myself and the world. I do know people who are like that, but they tend to be busy with all the other people who use them to feel good. I’m scared about applying for jobs and getting turned down because I’m not good enough.
Yes, I’m moaning. Seriously, why are you still reading this? I’m off to attempt reading sagas (again) and download LOTRO onto the PC so I can play it tonight on my geek-date while Hairy reads. I just spent five minutes trying to write this: please talk to me because I’m lonely and I’m sure you’re cool. This is why I fail. This was really hard to write.