Runes and Rhinestones

I'm a modern day Viking, navigating my way through a stormy sea of stuff.

The power of vulnerability.

on October 18, 2013

If I make sure that I write today, maybe it will be forgiven that I probably won’t until about this point next week.

I had a blog post that I wanted to write this morning about a comic that got shared on my facebook feed. It’s “Your Guide To Interacting With An Introvert” (all capitalised like that), and I wanted to share why I had problems with that particular comic – basically that I felt a bit as I’m a draining person to others because I don’t identify as an introverted person; I also took issue with the assumption that all introverted people need to be treated in the same way.

Actually changed my mind. I completely agree with that last statement. The way you treat people should be exactly the same – basically don’t be a dick to other people.

Then I was going to go into a big rant on how damaging it is to assign people arbitrary labels based on one aspect of their personality (insert list of my labels here and how I am more than the sum of my labels).

This all fell to pieces when I had a look around on t’interwebs to see if there was a “Your Guide To Interacting With An Extrovert” and to find a bit more information about it, and to have a look at it again; instead I came upon a couple of comment threads saying “don’t take it seriously, it’s only a comic”, and “we know it’s not applicable to everyone, cool it Kermit”. I don’t know why but it’s still bugging me and until I can sort out in my own head why I can’t just forget it, it’s going to stay in there rattling around and snagging on things.

 I have moments like that, where I’ll read something or hear something and I’ll have to go away and evaluate what it is about said thought that means it’s still in my head. Often this ends up with me burbling at Hairy and trying to understand why I can’t stop thinking about it. This whole next section is going to be incredibly hard to write, so please bear with me. 

Sometimes my brain and I aren’t friends. I generally call this “crazy-brain” and it covers a whole host of things from getting irrationally jealous over other women talking to Hairy, to being uber competitive in all things, to having moments where I kind of hate myself. I had one the other day where I was feeling unattractive, over weight and just generally not ok with myself. My brain logically decided that the best solution was to just not eat. I didn’t deserve food, but I could have a cup of tea. It’s not drastic in comparison, and I know plenty of people who don’t eat regularly so skipping a few meals isn’t a problem. It’s more the overwhelming feeling I got with it, and the fact that I could kind of feel two parts of my brain. The one that knew that I was being irrational, but the other part was stating it was an undeniable truth that I shouldn’t be eating because I had already eaten that day and I have a wedding dress that I need to be thinner for.

Then I read an article the other day. It was an article that said (excuse painful paraphrasing) that women are often called “crazy” because of the hormones, and mental health issues such as anxiety and bipolar are be almost dismissed by saying “Are you sure it’s not just that time of the month?” It’s not just that, but I couldn’t find the original article. I’m a bit guilty of this, because I’m doing that to myself. When I went to the doctors a few years back, I was told that I have got anxiety problems. I stress a lot and the stress can be bad (makes me sick, makes my work suffer). Instead of addressing that, I dismiss it as crazy brain. It’s a shorter and easier way of talking about it, but it’s not right and I still haven’t sorted out in my mind how I should be talking about it.

That was not an easy section to write. I’m not asking for attention or compliments, and please never bring this up in person or I will die. I’m not having one of those points at the moment so trying to write about it feels all wrong. It feels like I’m trying to get your attention and get you to reassure me that I’m fine.

I watched one of the Ted Talks today on youtube, by Brene Brown. It’s called “The power of vulnerability”. I actually watched it after I had a mini revelation, but it is why I try to share this stuff. I realised that I’m not sharing these stories for knee jerk compliments that I’m beautiful, and shouldn’t feel that way. The thing is that I do, and I know it doesn’t necessarily make sense. I tell people about my bad days because that’s the way of letting people see you. She called people who allow themselves to be vulnerable “wholehearted people”. I want to be wholehearted, and I am willing to be vulnerable and share stuff that makes me cringe to see it in writing. This wasn’t my best post, I’ve re-written it a lot and I’m not happy with it but if I don’t post it I never will. It will join the graveyard of half written posts that are saved in my drafts.

But a happy thing to finish on! I made a beaded moustache necklace today! My friend donated his spare change for it, and I think it’s going to head up to Scotland with him for the weekend. I’m happy it will be worn 😀

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