If you told me a year ago where I’d be now, I’d have probably ignored you because it all seems a bit crazy.
A year ago, I was still in Nottingham working as a waitress. Hairy and I were newly weds, my sister was still in the country and my mum had just been told she had a cancerous growth which meant pretty major surgery. Life has changed drastically since then, and I’m still not sure I’ve entirely come to grips with it all.
Looking back at the year we have had, I think Hairy and I have done well but it’s definitely taken a toll! My anxiety has flared up pretty badly, and it’s causing me all sorts of trouble. I am struggling with work because even though I wanted a job that challenges me, I also have trouble when I feel out of my depth and boy do I feel like that at the moment. I don’t feel capable of doing my job, I feel like I’m not pulling my weight in the team and I do so hate being an inconvenience to anyone.
I am too proud to admit it at work, but I am not finding this easy and every time I have to ask for help makes me feel stupid. Particularly when it’s stuff I should know by now!
Anyway, if you know me at all, you know that I’m not one for making big resolutions just because it’s a new year. I am one for pushing myself to change though, and I’m stubborn enough to wear myself out trying too hard and then feel guilty for not achieving enough afterwards. Or alternatively I’ll procrastinate and then feel guilty.
So with that in mind, my plan for the upcoming months is to take a step back and slow down. I’ve been rushing headlong into everything and trying to make everything happen at once but actually, I’m getting nowhere any faster. I’m not going to completely disappear, but I will be making more time to spend with Hairy in between mini-ventures and visiting friends and the fam.
I’m turning 25 soon, and I’m climbing a mountain on my birthday. Just a little one in Wales, but I’m lucky enough that one of the brothers-in-law has offered to take Hairy and me to go climb Sugarloaf. It is January, so I’m expecting rain and mud but I’m looking forward to it.With the full awareness of how navel-gazing this sounds, I think living mindfully is my goal for this year. I have definitely crafted more this year as I wanted to, and still have commissions and plans for the next few months but now my focus is on slowing down, exploring new things and making time to relax.After all, I ride a moped who struggles to go more than 38 miles an hour and my favourite time of the day is riding home along the country roads watching the world go by as the sun sets. My moped can’t go any faster, so I just enjoy the ride at the pace she’s going at. Think that just about sums up the way I need to be thinking about the rest of my life.