It’s late, I’m tired but I’m just going to share a little insight into my life with you.
It is nearly my birthday, I’ve just been paid and I thought sod it. Let’s go wild. So I bought myself a lipstick and it’s GREEN. Except it magically turns pink when you put it on! It’s like magic, right? Right. So it arrives today, looking not even a little bit suspect in its non-conspicuous brown paper packaging with a tube in it.
So I do what every normal person does and I try it out. I put some on, and TA DAH suddenly pink lips (that I think got darker as I carried on wearing it but I wasn’t carrying my dulux colour chart so I couldn’t check). But then, because I am the special flower that I am, I start wondering whether it just works on lip skin or whether it works on any skin… (I think you can see where this is going).
Cut to five minutes later, and I have bright pink daisies drawn on my face in lipstick. Yup, I’m a grown up. I pay bills and everything!
Also, you may be aware that I drive a moped, and I love her but on my way home from panto (yes I’m in a panto!), I started to get a sneaky suspicion that maybe Maisie is not quite the vehicle I need for my commute. I’m not even talking about dick drivers, frostbitten fingers or her disturbing tendency to cut out if I brake too fast.
See, it’s only seven miles I thought. It’ll be fine, I thought. CLEARLY NOT. Particularly not when the entire population and his uncle of Gloucester’s lorry drivers turn out on the roads to help me become one of those goddamn leaves from Pocahontas. You know the ones. They get buffeted about in the blasted turbulence and end up all over the place.
Funny, right? Not so much when you remember that I’m that leaf and dick drivers want to overtake even though there’s a car coming the other way and it’s only one lane AND it’s on a bend AND it’s dark AND I’m probably going to end up either under their wheels or in a ditch.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to tie Maisie to a tree/anchor her down in the hope that she won’t get blown over in the mild breezes we’re expecting tonight.