Hi guys, me again. Seems like this is the place I turn to when I can’t say the words to the actual humans in my life and just need to get some of the words gone from my head.
So I’m sorry if this is just me moaning again, but also thank you for listening and reading.
I don’t know what sparks it, but I’m sinking in a bad patch again. I feel disconnected, lonely, and although I know why I feel like that for the most part it doesn’t make it any easier. I just got off skype with my sister – she’s currently off travelling and I’m so happy for her but I do miss her so much.
It’s my common theme I guess – I want what I can’t have. My life is a string of excellent things and people, and yet I am always sat here wanting something I can’t have. Friends I used to be close to, that are bad for me and aren’t a part of my life, and yet I always wonder about trying to rekindle the friendship in the memory of what it was. Jobs, career prospects that I closed the door to, but now I kind of wonder where I’d be if I’d thought about pursuing those passions instead.
At the moment it feels like all I do is sleep and work. I’m working so hard, running so fast, trying to catch up with everything in an industry where the services are constantly changing and evolving and I haven’t a clue where to begin. I am finding it so hard, and I’m getting so frustrated at myself when I can’t get to grips with it and keep making mistakes. I hate having to bother other people to get help, and even though I am trying to get help it’s so often a case that I just have to learn facts and not the process of how to get answers.
I miss my friends and family. I love Christmas, and I’m really looking forward to it but a huge part will be missing this year and I don’t know how it’s going to be without her. I miss my friends that I haven’t seen in months. I’m trying to arrange to see them, but thanks to all being busy people it’s not looking like I will see anyone until after Christmas.
I miss my Guide unit. I miss feeling helpful, feeling like I know what I’m doing. I miss being needed for something. I have no time to give now either, to any sort of hobby as I can’t dedicate any night of the week to anything because at any given time I might be working any time between 7am and 7pm.
I no longer feel like I’m losing my identity to my job, but I am beginning to falter a bit with the pressure. I am clawing back time to try to keep my safety checks in place but it’s a slow process when I’ve gone so many weeks without being able to. I have to adapt to having no time to go to the gym, barely any time to craft and I need to figure out how to sustain these pressures.
It’s not all doom and gloom though, I promise. You needn’t worry about me doing anything drastic – there are wonderful people at work that I’m getting to know, our garden is entirely safe for our bunnies who are much happier now, our landlord is nice, Maisie the moped is brilliant and Hairy has got a temp job for the moment. Things will get better, but if you have any coping mechanisms, any strategies that help keep you together when you feel like you’re falling apart, please let me know. I could do with a way to focus and relax – relaxing being one of the toughest things for me to do!